How to make the Winter Olympics even more awesome
Snow angels, crack the whip and ski-lift jousting are just a few suggestions
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Winter Olympic games are the pinnacle of what modern man can accomplish with massive budgets, feats of engineering, stopwatches and thousands of tons of trucked-in snow. And, of course, the talent, training and dedication of thousands of exceptional athletes from across the globe.
Each time around, the Olympics seems to be even more amazing, as seconds are shaved off of world records and judges' rankings carry on further into the decimal columns. But even if the Winter Olympics helped NBC finally beat American Idol in ratings, we believe they can be even further improved. Made more awesome. To find out how best to do this, we went straight to our friends, contributors and readers.
Dear Olympics...
A couple of our readers appear to have been confused by our request for Olympic improvements, submitting instead the following letters:
As you can clearly see from these photos, Women's Freestyle Mogul Skiing gold medal winner Hannah Kearney is actually the love child of Gwyneth Paltrow and Rachel Dratch.
-Patricia on the Plaza
Bob Costas is actually only 18 inches tall. His amazing career has been aided by his incredible knowledge of baseball and amazingly skilled set designers and cameramen. He is usually shot with a 70mm lens while his interviewees are shot with a 28mm lens. The trickiest part is not wardrobe (as everyone assumes) but instead the handshake at the beginning of each interview. There is a skilled team of 3D artists in all of the NBC sports production trucks that specialize in photo-realistic sets and compositing that have greatly contributed to the development of Costas' career. A lot of hard work goes into making Tiny Bob Costas appear to be of normal size. I just thought this should be acknowledged.
-Mr. Blume in Waldo
It's all nice on (thin) ice
Change all the ice-skating events to thin-ice-skating events.
- Jeremiah in Joplin
Winter Olympic name-games
A medal for "Best Name." So far Apolo Ohno would be my favorite for Gold. Also a game of crack-the-whip would be amazing.
-Davy in Rosedale
More creative sponsorships
If the Olympics wants to continue to stay profitable, it's needs to step up the sponsorship opportunities. Snowboarders could eligible for extra points if they slam a Ballz soda at the apex of their jumps, and TV viewers could be invited to participate in "Skate'n'Shop" competitions at their local Costco. Contestants would have to use their VISA check cards to purchase new flatscreen televisions and other sponsored products while dodging hockey pucks and curling stones.
-Benito Blanco from Blue Springs
The more the lugeier
This is one of those rare cases when there should actually be less cowbell. Also, three-man luge would be better. 20% better. Some people think 50% but it’s not the case. I’ve done the reading, Matt.
- JG in Brookside
Because skiing isn't scary enough
The biathlon is to sports what Doritos "Collisions" chips are to gastronomy — but there's only one combo. We want to see more Olympic events smushed together with weaponry, like the ninja-star luge or rocket-propelled hockey.
There's a noticeable lack of motors in the Olympics that needs to be remedied. I'll skip the obvious invitation to include snowmobiles (or to Alaskan futurists like Sarah and Todd Palin, "snowmachines") and head straight to what I want to see: ski-lift jousting.
Old hockey sticks and skis could be reused (going green here) and melted down into long, sharpened poles. I'm sure organizers could up the torque in the wheelhouse if it meant the world could see the Finns and Russians try to boost their medal counts and settle festering border disputes in baskets suspended high above the moguls.
And hey, let's have the mogul event run simultaneously! Whoever doesn't fall out of aerodynamic lift chair onto a competing skier, wins. Or gets extra points. We'll have to work that out later.
"Traying," a new Winter Olympics event proposed by cartoonist Ruben Bolling
Add some new events, already!
To welcome Curling to Salt Lake City back in 2002, Ruben Bolling, the creator of Tom the Dancing Bug, came up with several illustrations of new events he thought also merited inclusion in the Winter Olympic games. Sadly, none of them have been accepted to this day.
Among the events are Team Snowball fighting, Men's Individual De-Icing, Snow Angel Making, and my personal favorite, Traying, or sliding down the nearest snow-covered hill in a stolen cafeteria tray. Bolling adds that this is the only event in which a positive drug test result is a prerequisite for participation.
Toyotas, Tweets and Power Trios
Incorporate a Toyota downhill run into the Triathalon. And how about instead of trucking in snow to account for a warm Vancouver, just use ice cream.
To compensate for American's ever-waning attention spans, only allow commentators to use 140 characters every hour, including commentator tips on how to stay eternally youthful through a steady diet of baby seals and sports metaphors.
That, and punish the teams that come in last place to stay in Canada and attend a Rush concert or a complete viewing of "You Can't Do That On Television."
-Mattthew from Grandview
Get (even more) creative with costumes
I don't care what PETA says about Johnny Weir's choice to wear fox fur at Nationals. I think it's actually a tribute to the animal, and besides, it shows his daring sense of fashion. Which everyone knows is the most important thing in figureskating aside from not falling down.
Also, something tells me the cool, curvy, outer-spaciness of the indoor Winter Olympic events would perfectly lend itself to the talents of local designers. How great would it be if the figure-skating team got a make-over from the costume crew of Whoop Dee Doo!!!?
Watch the Olympics at work
Nothing makes the work day speed-skate by faster than watching a few dozen ski jumps between e-mails. That, and the flask you keep in a secret compartment in the fax machine. Lifehacker.com has a good starter kit on where to find the games on your computer.
Make your own suggestions
Chime in with your own suggestions in the comments and we'll keep this list expanding until we have something really impressive put together to send to the U.S. Olympic committee. Or you can just write them directly. Might be a good four years or so before you get the results you want, but hey — that's the Olympics.
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